It’s coming back. I can feel it. It’s in my mood, my mannerism, the way I think. I’m falling back into my depression. I thought I had escaped, but do we ever really escape? Everyone around me is fake. I’m lonely. I’m not sure if I’ll survive this round.
Watching people greet theirs friends after the New Year is depressing. They hug, and laugh, and this is something that won’t happen to me. No one cares if I’m back. No friends really care.
i very much hate myself at night.
Knowing that no one will read this, I need to vent. I hate my life. Not the “oh woe is me, my girlfriend broke up with me” hate my life, but the actual I despise myself and 90% of the people I know. Last year, I fell into a depression and I don’t think I ever really got back out of it. I’m lost. Why this happened is a story in itself, but that was only really the match to ignite the fire. My life has been a constant stream of shit piles onto the last thing. I never had friends that really cared, school was hell, girls were never interested, and yet I always hoped it would get better. Now I’m going into my second year of college, and nothing is diminishing, but is rather growing. The friends I thought I made last year, not a one has contacted me since April. The sad thing is I never expected them to. Now here I lay, wide awake, writing to no one, in the hopes that this will calm me and maybe I can sleep. We’ll see how that turns out.
this question i ask myself so often these days. not the normal “whats my name” sorta who am i, but more the “why am i here, what will i do, what should i do?” i’m no the popular kid, nor the geek in the basement, i am just in the middle, invisible. i dont know where to go from here. what is one supposed to do when they are unsure of everything, let alone who they are?